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Rant of Truthiness
What is my vision of truthiness, you ask? Well, America, thank you for asking me that. I kind of figured you would. Call it instinct. Call it a gut feeling. Call it what you will. I felt it…here. And I don’t question that, America. You just can’t question a feeling, especially one that comes from that deep down inside. From right around the belly area. Actually, from just a little lower than that. (But not too low.) From just inside the belt line. (Too bad Washington can’t think from there. Ha ha! Get it? Yeah, me neither.)
America, since I obviously can’t answer your question without at least 20 awkward seconds of complete silence, let me turn that question back around and ask you the same thing: How do you define truthiness, America? I’m glad I asked you that question, actually. It gives me a good feeling. A feeling of superiority. A feeling that I know something that you don’t, even though I don’t even remember what we’re talking about. Oh yeah, truthiness. Thanks, Phil. (Phil’s my little notebook.) Anyway, the last thing America needs is a dictionary definition of truthiness. Because it doesn’t matter what’s on page 400 of the dictionary if we can’t remember what’s on page one of the Bill of Rights. Woot! Let me put this another way, America. Do you feel it? Because I feel it in my gut. Like Rocky Marciano in R.A.M.B.O., or Jimmy Stewart in “I’ve Got a Feeling.” Or, as Yoda said when he was (probably) speaking about truthiness, “Search your feelings, you know it to be true.” I couldn’t have said it better myself, Yoda. No, scratch that. I couldn’t have felt it better myself. What a feeling! I can really have it all. Have it a-a-a-all…
Oh, sorry, America. I got carried away there for a second. Carried away in a moment of truthiness. And what a moment this is! An historic election season, indeed. This is the big one. The last, big election before the next one. And who can deny that? I’m sure some will try. Some who don’t understand the foundation of truthiness, justicicity, and the American…manner…of…of…of this great nation of ours. And what do we call this nation, America? That’s right, we call it Democracy. And who pays for Democracy? That’s right, no one! Democracy is free. (Freedom, on the other hand…well, that’s another topic.) The important thing, America, is that you are free to feel whatever you think is right at the time. And no one can question it. Ever. Not ever. No one. Never. Not even a reporter, and definitely not a special prosecutor. Why? Because truthiness just is. That’s why.
Okay, fine. I think we’ve established a working definition. Now, sit back and ask yourself a question, America. Don’t make it a very hard one. Just kind of medium. Something like: Who was the best president in the last 200 years? Well, now that’s actually a tough one, isn’t it? But don’t worry, I’ll give you a hint. He was the truthiest, and he was also the one who liked football the very most of any president since the invention of presidents and football. He even made a movie about it. Hey, that sort of makes me wonder. Which came first, presidents or football? Good question. Let’s see. My gut tells me that that they both happened at exactly the same time. So, it’s probably true. Can’t you just see the founding fathers out there tossing around the old Gipper? (That’s Latin for pigskin.) I can. In fact, I’m sure that’s how it happened. Also, Canada does not exist.
But back to the topic at hand. Truthiness. I think the visionary musician Steve Miller summed it up best in his American songbook classic, “Take the Money and Run.”
Billy Mack is a detective down in Texas.
You know, he knows just exactly what the facts is.
He ain’t gonna let those two escape justice.
He makes his living off of the people’s taxes.
America, this, in a nutcase, is truthiness itself, and the words of this song represent elegantly our eternal struggle to find it. But you have to read between the lines to understand what I mean. Here, in Miller’s captivating tale of love and woe, the detective, Billy Mack, is the villain. Sometimes the elites of our educational system call the villain the…antagonist. (Thanks, Phil.) So why is the detective the villain, you ask? Well, that is the crux of the matter, America. Here’s why: first off, he deals in the “facts,” which we learn when Miller states that Mack “knows just exactly what the facts is.” Strike one. Secondly, our detective-enemy is interested in the concept of bringing Billy Joe and Bobby Sue, our story’s protagonists (that means heroes, America), to “justice.” Or to not let them escape it. Meaning, he is going to put pressure on them in pursuit of more of his “facts.” Strike two. Which brings me to, you guessed it, strike three: taxes. Three strikes and you’re out, America. Everybody knows that. And here the corrupt Billy Mack, the detective-socialist, shows us, by example, just how the evils of government and taxes will always lead directly to the destructive dual pillars of socialism, namely facts and justice. It’s so simple. Finally, it’s my gut feeling that Miller set this story in Texas in order to make use of the highly-regarded literary device known as irony. Because how ironic is it that this type of shenanigan would happen there? I mean, what detective would mess with Texas? Not a single one that I know of. (Well, maybe in the borderlands area, where heads are rolling left and right onto people’s patios as others try to escape the Billy Macks of the world. Maybe there. But not in Texas proper.)
America, get on board. Truthiness is the Pet Sounds of politics. It’s soft and sweet, yet deep and powerful. It’s the label on the pillow that says DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW. You just can’t remove it, America! It’s the can of tuna that says “Dolphin Safe.” Mmmmmm. It’s the “Holy truthiness, Batman!” of sidekicks. Robin had a way with words, America, and so does Stephen Colbert. And that is why we must rally. We must rally for truthiness, and be quick about it! Before it’s too late to feel. Before your gut rots from underneath your belt and you can’t feel a damn thing down there. How would you like to have rotted guts, America? Would that feel good? No. Because then the whole world would lack guts, since no one else has any at this time. America, are you with me? On the same page, Kimosabe? More or less? Please?? Oh, hai Mark. You are tearing me apart, America!! And so, I am begging you. Rally! Rally for truthiness, and let’s stop this trainwreck of bloated, gaseous liberal government right now, before the carnage becomes a methane swamp we can’t pull our boot straps up from, out of, next time. And there will be a next time, America. That’s why it has to be this time. Because by then, it’ll be too late.
Thank you, America. Thank you for your guts. Thank you for your core, your inner convictions, your courage. And thank you for reading this essay all the way through. I know it was hard. But you gutted it out. And so join us, America. And join us, Stephen Colbert! Join us in Washington, D.C. on 101010, and bring your truthiness! Do whatever it takes to get there. Drive (best idea), ride a Harley, take the bus, or even hitchhike for God’s sake. Just show up. (By the way, speaking of hitchhiking, 101010 in binary is 42. And I think we all recognize that number. Let’s not screw this up again, shall we?)
May God bless America. Now go have a beer.
– Steven Lang, patriot.
Mr. Colbert, we are facing dark times. Our nation is being oppressed with Socialized Medicine that is depraving our fine citizens of The Best Health Care Money Can Buy; Wall Street is being dismantled with Socialist policies forcing Wealthy CEOs to buy their caviar with foodstamps; and Obama is dreaming a thousand ways to introduce Sharia Law into the Constitution, forcing us to convert into Islam and worship Mohammed!
These are dark times alright, as the Hippie Bear Army is already at the Gates of Liberty and Freedom. The dark armies of the liberal elite cannot wait to use their Axes of Evil to destroy America, The Single Greatest Blessed Bestest Nation That God has ever created on this earth. Only the Light of Truthiness can set us free from the shackles of tyranny, for we are a Nation of equals!
So Glorious Leader of Truthiness, reveal to us your will that we may blindly follow you!
Free us from thought and responsibilities!
Tell us what your gut is telling you so we may follow it!
Liberate us from the shackles of our brain-thinking organism so we may follow you to the Gates of Hell itself with truthiness at our side!
Sincerely, a Truthiness Crusader!
Duus: There was a time in America, in the not too distant past, where there were sentences and phrases that I encountered that transcended “truth.” One such sentence I recall was the claim that we knew that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and where they were. “Weapons of Mass Destruction” became a household word. I saw a Greek tragedy and the actors worked in a “weapons of mass destruction” reference. It was everywhere. Part of the public consciousness. It was a powerful notion that had the essential, gut-level force of a true thing. We need powerful words like that restored to America. We need simple solutions that feel right. I think that’s what restoring truthiness is about.
Yes! Colbert Needs to Rise up and lead us into a new Golden age of Truthiness! Too long has the world been enslaved by so called “facts”. Facts keeps us enslaved to “reality”. Facts make us sad. Facts let the “liberal” media control us and destroy our dreams.
So many young children have had their dreams of growing up to be an, Astronaut, Ninja, Cowboy, Doggie, etc, destroyed by hard cold facts. Truthness tells us that we can indeed be whatever we want to be despite how Illogical, Improbable, or Impossible it may be. Truthness gives us hope that one day, through no effort of our own, we’ll wake up and find that all our dreams have come true. Without that hope that things will suddenly inexplicably be different, how else would, those still fortunate to have a job, get through the daily grind of our dead end jobs?
With truthiness restored, America can again become a nation of grand dreamers, no longer shackled by having to deal with the Truths of dealing with continued unemployment, being a responsible global citizen, responding to Global Warming, and all the other depressing so called “facts of our current reality”.
America is in grave danger! Truthiness is not just something you can learn; it’s not something you can pass down to your children. It’s something you either just have or don’t have. If we lose Truthiness now, we’ll lose it forever! I can feel it in my gut! Losing Truthiness is losing what it means to be human. We’d wander around like mindless drones, unable to make a decision without pulling out our Androids and Blackberries to get all the facts first. We’d be like robots, only without super speed and super strength, so we’d be like really lame robots! Let’s all stop this decline of Truthiness and reclaim what it not only means to be human, but what it means to be American!
Follow: truthiness is the mark of a genuine gut-oriented individual, just as truth used by liberals is brain-oriented with severe clogged tubes. Not without the right upbringing later in life can anyone split between truth and truthiness, so we have a worldwide health pandemic. Typically there is penis shrinkage when the gut extends too far, and vice versa, when the brain extends too far and blots out the light before them. These woe-is-me endowed individuals rally for a change, therefore, Restoring Truthiness means to me: downsizing extremism all over the world.
To save America, we must be on the forefront of this new discovery of human anatomy and mental health. Scientists should attend the rally to measure over-cranial and gut-patio health issues, and further, call for a mental health Revival.
The persistence of memory is a charm, for it has the power to propel us backward and forward, both unimaginable to living generations because none has lived through them. No matter how much you study history, you cannot know truth without experiencing it. Likewise, no matter how much the gut is wrenched out into the cool night air, you cannot know fear until you are the terror itself.
Storytellers, spinners of yarns, symbol spitting: all of these have the power to send us into another world, good or bad, and the scary part is people begin to believe anything when they’re lied to long enough. The People’s Internet is making the story now. The counter culture movement never ended and despite propaganda, didn’t fail… it just grew up and merged with the new Civil Rights movement and had children… and their dreams woke up to a day that is now, inching ever closer to true truthiness. Rise and stay awake, for the parasitical snake charmer, is coming to town slinging Old words behind New illusions.